Hi Hy!

I’m a huge fan of your blog, and I think it’s one of the greatest (sex or otherwise) there is. I don’t know if you’re into giving advice, but I just started dating a guy and I feel like you could help me with a situation that’s come up.

My boy has trouble coming. It’s something we’ve discussed since the first time we had sex, so I’ve known for the entirety of our relationship. However, two months in, it’s starting to get me down…I know it has nothing to do with me, and I do enjoy sex with him regardless, but after a while it starts to make me feel self conscious and then I can’t come either, and we both end up tired and kind of unsatisfied. It hasn’t caused any major issues yet, but I feel like it could begin to soon.

I know TN has a similar sitch, so I was wondering if you have any advice as to how to get past it and enjoy the experience, without worrying about the end result.

Thanks! Have an excellent new year!
Orgasmless in Orlando

Dear Orgasmless in Orlando,

First, I hope you don’t mind that I made up where you live.  It just sorta went with “orgasmless.”  Second, thank you so very much for emailing me and your kind words!  I don’t pretend to be the expert on anything, but I certainly try to see things from every corner and I am more than willing to share my experience and journey with anyone willing to listen.  And lastly, you and I aren’t the only women who’ve experienced a man who can’t cum and I bet there will be lots of interesting feedback in the comments.  Internet Boyfriend, we need you!

What does sex mean to you?

Sex is fun and hot and messy and fulfilling and nerve-wracking and bonding and amazing and weird and miraculous.  Having said that, we all seem to be very much focused on the end of sex, not necessarily the before and during parts.

We also attribute all sorts of other things to it; meanings that aren’t equitable to the thrusting of body parts.  Namely, our worth and our skills and it’s all tied up with orgasms somehow. 

Men feel like superheros when their partners cum because women are sometimes tricky puzzles, but women take it for granted (if she’s fucking a man) because men are easy as Sunday morning, but the bottom line is: our partner’s orgasms have nothing to do with us.  They belong to those who have them.  Period.

And great sex doesn’t mean there were orgasms. 

It means there was passion, pleasure, and maybe some connection to something or someone.

It’s true that we can be less skilled at certain things, but generally speaking we know what we’re doing and if we don’t we try to learn all the right buttons to push.  We’re very motivated learners once naked. 

Insecurities and doubt creep in when we have a very black and white view of what sex is supposed to look like. We need to feel satisfied with the process, not just the results!

If he doesn’t cum, then I suck

When TN and I started fucking he came almost as much as me.  I even remember a night when I made him cum 3 times.  Man, those were the days —  I didn’t make him cum once in all of 2014.

Yes.  You read that right.

When it first started happening I rolled with it.  I knew from my own personal experience that orgasming, while goddamned terrific, wasn’t required for my enjoyment. 

I don’t know what your personal experience has been with orgasms, dear Orgasmless, but I can promise you I was sincere all those years when I told my lovers who could never get me to cum that I really and truly had enjoyed myself.

If I hadn’t gone through that personally, I might have had a harder time believing TN when he told me the exact same thing.

It was odd hearing it come out of his mouth, though, because here’s the thing about dudes cumming — and it’s unfair and ridiculous for both men and women: We’re taught that sex is good — and over — when he orgasms.

Anyone can argue that isn’t the case, but the general idea about sex in this world has nothing to do with a woman’s pleasure.  Good lovers make it about the people, and thereby all partners’ pleasure, but for eons it’s been about the man and his seed.  Call it for procreation, laziness or shame, the evilness of pleasure or whatever.  But for the sake of me tackling this issue, that’s where I’m coming from.

And the sad thing is, is we’ve bought it!  We all have!  You, me, and the mailman all believe that men are these lustful, spooging creatures who, when put in front of a hot, sexy woman, can’t control himself and will lose it buried deep inside his lady.  And if he doesn’t then there’s something wrong.

Jizz does not equal success

For The Neighbor and I, the closer and more emotionally intimate we got, the less he came.  I would mention it here and there and he would blow it off as just being tired or that he came 6 times already that day.  I didn’t buy it, but I allowed it.

It doesn’t sound like you and your man have that particular issue since it’s starting right from the beginning, but what if sex for him is something deeply intimate no matter the circumstance?  What if there’s deep-seated shame?  I don’t want to play armchair psychologist, or anything, but if he’s a healthy man, orgasms should happen.  It’s a 1+1 equation.  Stimulate a healthy man and he will orgasm.

Since they’re not happening, I have to assume it’s an emotional hitch and those can be very difficult to overcome, if not impossible.  Therefore as his partner you need to do emotional work, as well.

What I’ve worked on all these months — and what I recommend you do — is unhitch his orgasm from the value of your sex. It’s irrelevant.

HIS ORGASM DOESN’T HAVE SPECIAL MEANING.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t cum. Not if he tells you it doesn’t.  Not if it seems impossible.  Not if you both can’t make it happen.

However, he can cum for you in other ways.

Cumming other ways

Recently, because I’d gotten stretched thin about this myself, I asked TN to “cum with his mouth,” instead.  In other words, if his cock won’t orgasm, then I want his mouth to share what he’s feeling.  And it’s been amazing.

He’s opened up vocally during and after sex and as I’m losing my shit I can hear the thoughts in his head also losing their shit. 

In the past when his hips thrust into me over and over — knowing that it wouldn’t end in a big release for him at the end — I would drift away a little and not be present. 

Now, with his words I can see us through his eyes and feel his experience. I reconnect to him and then orgasm myself.

I’m not saying talk dirty, just sharing his feelings — though dirty talk would work for me!  I’m suggesting requesting him to tell you how good you feel, how much he’s enjoying fucking you, or how much he loves it, etc.

When a man doesn’t cum our default thought is he wasn’t enjoying himself, but that simply isn’t fair to either of you.  So, clear away the doubt and have him share his pleasure with words instead.

Being ok with ending it

Another thing that might come up for you — because it certainly has for me — is knowing when sex is over. If we rely on the traditional model it’s when he cums. But we can’t do that.

And it isn’t necessarily after we cum, either, because sometimes that’s just a warm up!

It’s taken me a long time to learn when to call it quits. TN (and I suspect a lot of anorgasmic men) can fuck for days. He won’t stop until he’s exhausted, but that can often be long after I’m done.

I had to get comfortable with setting my own limits and not feeling like I was giving up.

Switch goals

So, my advice is this:

• Think about what sex means to you. Is it really all about his orgasm and yours?
• Unhitch his orgasm from your worth/ability/sexiness/desirability.
• Ask him to express his pleasure in other ways besides an orgasm.
• Learn to be ok ending a session when you’re done.

I hope this helps, Orgasmless in Orlando, and keep in touch with your progress!  I’m certain you and I aren’t the only women who have sex with anorgasmic men.  (And for the record, I think all of this can be applied to the reverse, as well.)

It can be a bit of a struggle internally, but certainly not insurmountable.  We’re still hot bitches. Jizz or no jizz!

xx

Hy